Stand still and know, I am God. Stand still and know, I am God. STAND STILL AND KNOW, I AM GOD. Chanting these words, praying for peace, trying not to think of the worst. Still the midwife seached for a hertbeat that was not materializing. "This happened before with Reed at this very stage in pregnancy, Mic" I tried to reassure myself. "It's still hard to find a heartbeat at twelve weeks" I reasoned. "let's take a look with the ultrasound machine" the midwife reassured. I was happy for the opportunity to see my baby. Even though this was my third baby, there was always something magical whenever I saw that little baby moving inside me. The doppler was placed in my belly. I saw my babie's little body, the outline of the face, but the joyous feeling wasn't there. I knew, somehow I knew, my baby was gone. It seemed like hours passed as the midwife kept trying to find life that wasn't there. "Have you experienced any pain lately?" She pulled me back to the room from a pitt in my mind that I had just started to dig. "some, why" I asked, knowing full well the answer. "Well, I'm not finding a heart beat, and it shows that the baby stopped growing about last week. It looks like the baby is gone, I'm sorry" My reaction surprised even myself. I was calm, cold, almost unfeeling. Like someone had just told me the bank had just closed. The midwife left the room, the numbness started to overtake me. A doctor came to take a look and "comfirm" the diagnosis. He started discussing ways of disposing of the baby. They left closing the door behind me, leaving me to get dressed. "My baby is gone, Lord, my baby!" The words hit me suddenly. No heartbeat, no life, no baby. The tears started falling uncontrollably. All alone and heartbroken like never before in my life, I drove myself home.
I tried to give my pain to the Lord, tried to heal and be happy again for my husband and two beautiful boys. Then the pain that I had had while pregnant and the doctors has brushed off as acid reflux, began getting worse. Soon they found out it was gallstones. That started getting me down more. And then, the anxiety started developing, growing and growing with a sickening snow ball effect. I started WORRYING about everything. About my health, about why did this happen, about will I ever have another child, about anything happening to my boys or my husband. I was worried about loss. I had gotten a taste for the second time in my life and I did not want more! So the answer to my subconcious seemed, worry about it. I had my gallbladder out and thought my life would be solved, but soon got sick with an awful virus. Later it developed into a sinus infection that lasted weeks and weeks. I know these are not awful things compared to the things others have to go through, but they sunk me into a deeper and deeper well of dispair and guess what? Anxiety.
Anxiety is not new to me. I think this has always been my weakness. Always been what I go to, but my pain brought me to the lowest of the lowest. And to a very real need for God, who had been my savior since childhood, but whom I had kept anxiety from. Like something I almost wanted to hold on to. Something that made me miserable but that I needed. Anxiety had become my addiction, and here I was at my breaking point. I had to make a decision about what I was going to do with it.
So that is why I start at what I consider the middle. Because I want to share what brought me to this "middle" and what has happened since and will continue to happen as I learn to surrender and let God heal me. I am not healed, as I write this, I struggle with worry and fear, but He is working in my life. My prayer? Lord turn me from a worrier to your warrier!
May the peace of God surpass your understandings
Mic
